children

The Online Mummy

July 8, 2015

Mother’s groups have been around for years. I was in one when my first son was born. We would meet up, drink and eat, and discuss kids. By the time I had my 4th çhild mums groups had popped up online. Every state, city and area seems to have one. Some online mum’s fall into a mums group category. I’ve made a list of my findings.

The Vouyeur mum
Voyeur mum sits back and doesn’t talk. If online, you don’t know she exists. Ever wonder why in a group of 10,000 plus only 200 post? The rest are watching you. Like Big Brother. Creepy …

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The One-Upper mum
You could say your kid has a third hand and one-upper mum has two kids with ten each. One-upper mum is very vocal and comments on every post. Her kids are geniuses, and weird all rolled into one. She is the best at everything and her kids are awesome. Much more so than yours. Do not befriend one-upper mum. She is torture online, and ten times worse in the flesh.

The Self Righteous mum
Self righteous mum has never made a mistake in her life. Not only is she perfect, she will use any chance to put you down for not being as amazing as she is. SRM has never left her kids in the car when paying for petrol, never lost her kids in the park, in fact she’s never done anything even remotely “wrong” which would be fine if she didn’t make it her mission in life to condemn to hell anyone who isn’t as good as she is. Princess Perfect should be avoided at all costs. The block function is your best friend.

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Highly Competitive Mum
HCM has kids that were reading before they were born. They can play every musical instrument with their hands and ears, and are better than yours at everything. She enters into debates about reading groups, school reports and the gifted and talented program at school. Her sons are in training with the Wallabies at two and her daughters are accepted into the AIS for gymnastics before they can walk. Don’t try to compete even if you know you’ll win, because you’ll still lose.

The I Can’t Google Mum
Asks the number for the after hours doctor, where to stay in Fiji, what time Coles opens and how to tie a shoelace. Thinks this is what these groups are for. What you should do is answer her. What you want to do is type www.google.com.au I have been guilty of this one, but because I’m lazy not because I can’t google.

The Bomb Dropper
Bomb dropper comes online and posts things such as “should I circumcise my son?” and “should I vaccinate my kid?” she then sits back, grabs her popcorn and watches WW3 erupt. She doesn’t comment again on the post, just sits back content that her good deed for the night has been done. I actually witnessed one once drop a bomb then type “grabbing popcorn.” Needy and unhinged. Avoid her too.

The Tell Me I’m Awesome Mum
This mum comes online and posts pictures of her kids cake she has just made and asks “do you think it’s good enough?” Either she’s a professional cake maker or she is mental, because the cakes always look amazing. Just hit like and type “ohhh you’re so talented” Also posts pictures of gourmet meals she has cooked and endless selfies asking about hairstyles. She’s talented, hot and needy and wants you to tell her she’s awesome.

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The Over Sharer Mum
The over sharer hides nothing. She will post anything and everything and has no secrets. Everyone knows her husband’s name, her kids and where she goes to school. You know her first name, last name, best friend and where she lives. She is my favourite mum, because A. It’s me to a tee, and B. My favourite online moment ever came from an over-sharer. Let’s just say it involved ovulating, doing the deed and resulted in a baby 9 months later. It was without doubt the best thing I have ever read online in any mothers group.

I like to think that day I played a part in it.

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2 Comments

  • Reply Sonya N. July 8, 2015 at 10:27 am

    If you played a part in her having a child, good on you and well done! As someone who has had years of infertility, surgery and drugs to get kids, kudos to you!

  • Reply sam minshull July 8, 2015 at 10:31 am

    wow – I think I know a mum in EVERY category there!!!

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