Everyone wants to be the perfect parent. There’s a million books available – What to Expect when you’re Expecting, Toddler Taming, Get Your Kid To Sleep Through in 3 days at 4 weeks of age.
Where’s the book with the questions you really want answered truthfully?
The answer is there isn’t one. So I thought I’d share mine.
My child has a dummy and I’m worried they’re addicted to it.
You want your child to be addicted to the dummy. A dummy isn’t known as a pacifier for nothing. It stops a high percentage of the crying and whining. My only tip on the dummy besides giving it is to buy at least 300 of them. Because at 3am when you can’t find it, you’re stuffed. And I mean really stuffed. Do not ever be in this position.
My baby won’t stop breastfeeding. She won’t take a bottle.
This is my favourite topic to be truthful on. If you’re fine being a 24/7 all you can eat buffet, exclusively breastfeed. If you ever want to leave your child in the first 1-2 years of its life get it used to a bottle. No one told me about bottle refusal. I thought it was like my sister and wine – you offer it and she mows you down to get to it.
My child is over 6 weeks old and still wakes 5 times a night. Why?
The answer is you can try every sleep book under the sun, go to sleep school (I recommend this I’ve been 6 times) but when push comes to shove some kids are crap sleepers and some are going to wake up at 5am for years, even after waking 8 times already. Find a good set of friends to share your misery with, because listening to people tell you little Max sleeps from 7-7 at 4 days of age makes you want to stab yourself with a toothpick.
I’m feeding my baby jar food and food from a packet. Is that bad?
No, no it’s not. They sell pre-made baby food because it’s convenient and people buy it. There are millions of parents pretending they hand stew every apple their child has ever eaten. Most of them are lying. You can lie too, just hide the rubbish well when your judgmental family and friends visit.
Sometimes I want to retire from this baby gig.
When you haven’t showered in 2 days, have slept 2 hours out of 72, your boobs feel like they’re about to drop off or you have no clean bottles because you haven’t washed up in a week, it’s very difficult to think this was a good idea. These thoughts are normal. People don’t tell you the truth, they should be held accountable. When you have these thoughts start making a list on who you need to blame. Start with your mother.
Next week, the The Toddler Edition….