The Real Mums Book Part 2 Toddlers

June 6, 2015

So your little one has left babyhood behind, all those friends who came to see the cute newborn don’t visit much anymore, you haven’t showered in 2 days and you have given up on makeup. If you are a drinker you’re stocking up on the wine.

Welcome. You’ve passed your learners and you’re now a provisional mother. If you think you’re full of experience, think again.

My toddler went nuts because I served him food in the wrong colour bowl. They’re all blue. What is his problem?

His problem is you, and the shade of the bowl. You need to go to IKEA, Coles and Kmart and buy every bowl in every shade of whatever colour he likes. Buy at least 40 of them. When you still get it wrong throw the food on the floor. It’s where it ends up anyway.

Every night my toddler comes into our bed. It’s not very conducive to a healthy relationship with my partner. Any ideas?

You need to promote this co sleeping arrangement. Not because it’s lovely and nice, because as long as the toddler is sleeping between you and your partner, there is very little chance you will get pregnant again. You DO NOT want a 14 month age gap like I had. You do not want a 2 year age gap. I don’t know what is ideal, I haven’t worked it out. Just trust me, let the toddler sleep where they want if you want any sleep. And if anyone says anything tell them they’re sleeping with them from now on.

The toddler still has a dummy, bottle, comforter. Shouldn’t all that be gone now?

No. Putting up with 3 days of traumatic tantrums is not worth ridding yourself of a dummy or bottle. My kids were 4 and 5 when they  ditched them. I tried taking it off one of them once and lasted an hour. The screaming and crying gave me a migraine and they found the 37 dummies they had “lost” prior. No one has a dummy at 18, well no one that’s normal anyway.

The toddler won’t eat vegetables. In fact he won’t eat anything except what HE wants.

I’ve had 2 non eaters. Both small babies. The first would only eat donuts and milkshakes. My GP told me to feed her that. So I did – for 6 months straight. 3 times a day that child ate donuts. Donut King knew me by name. She now has a normal diet. If your kid wants weetbix for dinner and shepherds pie for breakfast so what. Grate some veggies in when they’re not looking to make yourself feel better.

My child throws tantrums when we are out in public. Normally when we are at the shops and I won’t buy her what she want. Everyone stares.

Going shopping with a toddler is just wrong. Avoid at all costs. Order online. If you wait till there’s no food like me, strap that kid into the trolley, and race those aisles like you’re Casey Stoner. Don’t worry about banging into people. Give them everything they ask for. Toys, lollies, whatever it takes. Ignore the stares. They are people who forget what kids are like and yes, they’re judging you. Just remember one day you’ll be where they are and you can judge the tantrum throwing kids yourself. Buy enough food to ensure you can fill up the 40 blue bowls for 6 weeks.

My 2 part babies book retails for $0.99. I cannot be held liable for any advice you may deem fit to follow. The book is non refundable.

So are your kids……


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