I made a rookie parenting error the other day and looked in the Blue Book to see what Floyd “should” be up to. There was a questionnaire, and as usual I didn’t fill it out truthfully.
1. Do you have any concerns about how your child understands what you say?
Real answer: yes. The kid can hear me but ignores me. Doesn’t do what I say. He nods his head then does the opposite.
2. Do you have concerns about how your child gets along with others?
Real answer: hell yes. He is bossy. It’s his way or the highway. Doesn’t like sharing. Steals siblings food. Has everyone wrapped around his finger acting like his slave.
3. Do you have any concerns about how your child behaves?
Real answer: he calls himself Sarah half the time. He wrestles his sisters and charges at them in a way these makes the Wallabies look incompetent. He carries a wooden spoon around. What do you think?
He still won’t toilet train. The bottle is still here. He has a fine list of achievements since my last Floyd File which include, but aren’t limited to:
Washing my car with a scourer
Painting the bathroom with face cream
Cleaning my windows with Ajax
Getting lost in Target and being found under a doona cover on a bed display
Tipping 500 grams of hundreds and thousands on the floor
Pouring apple juice in my boots
Feeding his baby sister chocolate freckles
The one huge change is he has started talking – and he never shuts up. For 12 hours a day nonstop he is talking. Can I have, get me, mummy mummy mummy….and it’s not just me he talks to – it’s anyone and everyone.
Out at the shops a few weeks ago in the checkout aisle he’s gas bagging to the man behind us. He was elderly, and hard of hearing. After listening to Floyd tell him everything from what colour singlet he had on to what he ate for breakfast for the last month elderly man looked at me and said
“What’s his name love?”
Floyd – with an F.
As we left, old man turned to his wife and whispered “she should have called him Roid did you see the size of that kid?”