children

My Two Year Old Owns Me

March 26, 2017

My 5th child is now two and a half and I am often heard quoting an age old sentence my mother used to say about me.

“If she had have been the first, there would have been no more”

That is because she is an asshole. I am not talking terrible twos here, I’ve been through those. I am talking A-Grade punish.

Once upon a time I would see other mothers pussy footing around their small frogs and giving in to their every command and demand with a look of terror on their faces – the “I’m not fulfilling this kids wish fast enough and if I don’t get this right ASAP my life will be over in 3,2,1…..”

I will admit, I used to look at little Gladabelle, all of two or three years of age and think “you little TWERP” Then I would sneak a peak at mumsy and or dadsy and while I like to think I never judge other parents on more than one occasion the desire to run up and grab them by the throat and yell ” Who the hell is running this show – get it together! And let me help you!” was very overwhelming. I never did it though, and thank God for that.

Because now, I am that frantic, hyperventilating mess of a parent.

I am the mother who says to her two year olds siblings “Just give it to her, or she will scream”

“Don’t antagonise her, or we will all pay for it”

“Yes, give Miss 2 the last cookie, I don’t care if you miss out”

And so on. This is due to the fact our lives are not worth living if what she decides she wants to eat/do/wear or go isn’t given to her yesterday.

In short, this kid owns not only me, but the entire house. Even the dog tip toes around her. Because like a bomb she could go off at any second. And none of us want that. Especially me.

Our major issue is her attire. She won’t wear pants of any description. Will only wear certain dresses. Likes $3 KMart shorts but only certain colours on certain days. Don’t ask me how she knows Thursday is yellow shorts day, she just does. Shoes are our biggest issue. Won’t wear enclosed shoes. Won’t wear socks. With all the rain of late practical runners needed to be purchased, and today was the day.

I was ready. I was strong. Today I was going to win. For Christ sake I have birthed 5 kids, and lived to tell the tale. This kid WAS going to wear sneakers – white, pink – I’d even back down on my no – character rule and buy her a set of ¬†hideous My Little Pony light up singing kicks if that’s what it took.

As you can see, only one of us was a winner today……

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